Stores filled with candy hearts, cutesy cards, and cuddly stuffed animals proclaim Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. For many children, it’s a time to fashion construction paper and glitter messages or send pre-printed silly greetings to classmates. But for others who are grieving the death of a loved one, it can be a heartbreaking day. Every time they see another red or pink heart, feelings of loss may overwhelm them again.
Parents and caregivers naturally want to protect children from pain. But cultural holidays happen whether we are ready for them or not. If this Valentine’s Day is more painful than pleasant for a child you love, then explore together some ways that love can hurt and how kids can navigate their big emotions.
Often, after a person dies, children (and adults) worry that they will forget them. They might think that they are betraying the person because they don’t always think about them. Address this anxiety head-on by suggesting that kids create a valentine for their loved one who has died. Invite them to use traditional colors or pick ones that represent that person’s favorites. Encourage them to write a love note or draw a picture of something they loved doing with the person.
Children also miss all the ways a loved one showed them affection. They wonder who will make them butterscotch cookies like Grammy, take them fishing like Uncle Jim, or applaud their Hip Hop moves like PawPaw. Encourage children to share stories about their favorite activities with the person who has died. If possible, take time to do some of the fun things they miss. If you have photos of them together, now is a good time to look at them and remember their love.
Valentine’s Day can also be a great time to honor a loved one by paying their love forward. Invite children to think of something the person used to enjoy doing for others. Then brainstorm ways to do the same thing for someone else. They might show another child in the neighborhood how to make applesauce like Cousin Leslie or invite a family friend to help them collect trash like mom. They might even invent an elaborate handshake or greeting to share with others, just like dad did before he got sick.
Keep in mind that a day dedicated to love and relationships can also be exhausting for a child who is grieving. Many kids don’t want to ruin others’ fun and so try to pretend that everything is alright. Give children explicit permission to express their pain and take a ‘time out’ from holiday festivities. Suggest that they decide on a signal they can use when they begin to feel overwhelmed. Tell them all they need to do is give that signal and you will help them retreat to a quiet place where they can rest and cry if needed. Offer to stay with them or wait elsewhere until they are ready to rejoin the family or group.
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