My middle daughter has a form of dyslexia in which her brain doesn’t easily associate how a letter looks with the sound it makes. She struggled with reading until well into third grade, when all her extra practice and tutor-assisted training finally kicked in. It was a hard three years of working and waiting for the words to flow.
Watching a child struggle can be painful for parents and caregivers. We want kids to be happy and successful. Yet learning how to engage challenging problems productively is a skill. It requires curiosity, motivation, and a willingness to risk failure before figuring out a solution.
Research shows that children gain deeper knowledge of ideas when they spend time wrestling with them. If adults simply provide information, kids may accept and repeat that information without really understanding what it means. Sometimes that makes sense: children need to know things (like don’t touch a hot stove or look both ways before crossing the street) even if they aren’t yet able to reason why. But when it comes to spirituality and ethical decision-making, kids need opportunities to explore tough questions and situations for themselves.
Of course, not all struggle is productive. Children (and adults) can easily feel frustrated and stuck when faced with a challenge. So begin by talking with kids about the difference between productive and unproductive struggle. Start by defining ‘struggle’ together: what does it look like? How does it feel? Tell a story of a time you struggled without success. Share why you felt stuck and gave up. Ask children if they have similar stories to share. Then invite them to recall a time they successfully managed to resolve a challenge. Ask: What resources did you use? How did you convince yourself to keep going? Notice the differences between your stories of giving up and persevering.
Help children identify strategies for engaging a challenge productively. These can be as simple as taking a few deep breaths when feeling overwhelmed, pausing to recall what resources have been useful in the past, and/or bouncing ideas off others in a brainstorming session. Be a good role model: acknowledge when something is difficult for you and let your child overhear how you encourage yourself to stay engaged. You might even invite them to be your cheerleader as you wrestle with a new task or a tough decision.
Breaking a challenge into parts is often a helpful way forward. Suggest that children set interim goals for solving a problem or learning something new. This strategy provides opportunities for celebration along the way and also makes the task feel more manageable. For example, if a child’s goal is to build a neighborhood shelter for feral cats, they might set a goal of pounding 10 nails into a piece of scrap wood without bending them, then building a single box, then five boxes, and then 10 boxes with flaps and a feeding station. Or if they are trying to replace a quick temper with greater calmness, they might try going one hour without yelling, then half a day, then a whole day, and then a week.
Comments