In children’s shows and movies, love is often portrayed as a pretty simple emotion. It’s a warm, fuzzy feeling shared between two people, complete with hugs and kisses. It’s Valentine’s Day every day, uncomplicated by anxiety and worries. It comes easily – ‘naturally’ – and is always rewarding. It doesn’t look like work.
Yet philosophers and social scientists believe that love is actually far more complicated than we want to think. Many agree that real love involves learning to care about another’s well-being without focusing primarily on what we might gain from a relationship. That can be a tough balance to strike for adults, let alone kids. Fortunately, experts say that parents and caregivers can help children discover the true meaning of love.
One place to begin is to talk about the caregiving qualities of close, loving relationships. Say things like “I enjoy making a snack for you because I love you and want you to be healthy” or “Because I love you and want you to do well in school, I’m setting aside 30 minutes every day to help you with your homework.” Stating explicitly that love is a motive for showing care encourages kids to expand their idea of love beyond feelings to acts.
Help children notice the connections between love and their own actions by naming them as well. You might say, “I saw you helping your little brother get a drink. Thanks for loving and caring for him!” Or you could say, “I feel very loved when you help me put the groceries away quickly so I can take a break before driving you to practice.” Identifying the link between things they do and expressions of love expands kids’ understanding of love beyond a good feeling..
Since love is not restricted to close relationships, adults can also model loving interactions with people outside children’s circle of family and friends. When it’s your turn to provide snack for an afterschool activity, talk about your contribution as a way of showing love to the group. Encourage kids to be respectful to strangers because all people are worthy of love. Suggest that children don’t need to know someone to care for their well-being, and showing care is how we express love.
Love also extends to how we treat ourselves. Help kids identify ways that they can practice self-love through self-care. Ask them what they can do to remind themselves that they are loveable. If they struggle with ideas, invite them to recall a time that they felt stressed or anxious and then to picture what helped them calm down. Ask, “Is this something you could do to show yourself love? How could you remind yourself to do it?” Or suggest that they adopt a loving action that others do for them (like affirming their choices, making time to listen, or playing a game together) to show themselves love. They could repeat a self-affirmation, sit in silence to listen to their body, or spend 10 minutes playing a solo game as a break from the pressures of home and school.
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