Saying something positive to a child seems easy. We tell kids, “you’re amazing!” and exclaim “That’s the best picture I’ve ever seen!” But studies show that children are actually quite sensitive to the truth (or not) of these proclamations. They may initially believe they are always exceptional, but life quickly provides contradictory evidence of their weaknesses and shortcomings. They begin to doubt the affirmations they receive from others.
Still, affirmations – when done well – are an important part of children’s development. They help kids recognize their strengths. They provide insight into how a child is living out shared values. They even promote better relationships by encouraging children to notice and appreciate the positive qualities of others.
So, as adults, we need to learn how to affirm children in constructive rather than problematic ways. The trick is to notice what children are doing and comment without exaggerating. Say, “I appreciate how you helped clean up the toys without complaining” instead of “you’re the best clean up kid ever!” The former provides the child with information about what they are doing well. The latter sets an unrealistic expectation that a kid can’t possibly sustain.
We also need to think about the values and aptitudes we want to cultivate and orient our affirmations toward those goals. To encourage curiosity, you might affirm a child’s curious engagement by saying, “I appreciate your question. It got me thinking.” To foster kindness, you might say, “I liked how you spoke kindly to your friend when they were upset.” Or say, “Good for you! You used your words instead of your hands!” to reinforce self-regulation.
The overall goal is to let children know that they are seen and valued for who they really are. By acknowledging their specific efforts, we help them identify their strengths and recognize their contributions to family life. Say, “I saw you trying hard to figure out your homework. Way to persevere!” or “I appreciate that you listened to my directions. That helps our family get out the door on time.” These statements reinforce positive identity development and a child’s sense of belonging.
A by-product of giving appropriate affirmations is that our words teach kids how to affirm others. Teachers report that using specific affirmations in class prompts students to affirm one another. Creating a culture of affirmation at home can have a similar effect. Encourage children to notice and acknowledge the efforts of those around them, whether it’s a sibling who is helpful, a caregiver who shares their enthusiasm for learning about lizards, or a parent who persists in building a birdhouse despite confusing instructions. Suggest that they offer these affirmations spontaneously and/or set aside a regular time (e.g., just before bed or Saturdays at breakfast) to affirm one another.
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