“I hate them!” “That idea is so stupid!” “Who do they think they are, saying things like that?!” In a polarized society, it can be easy to slip into derogatory language about people with whom we disagree. Perhaps we think we are just letting off steam. But kids overhear such statements and think it’s okay to react the same. Instead of learning to engage differences, they learn to belittle and dismiss others who do not think like them.
One of the tough jobs of parenting and caregiving is teaching children to be civil even when they are angry or upset. It can be quite difficult to remain respectful of others when big emotions threaten to overwhelm our bodies and minds. That’s why psychologists say that learning to manage strong feelings is essential to civility. Suggest that kids take a breath, use a calming device (like a squeeze ball or textured scrap of material), or repeat a short statement (mantra) when they need to calm themselves.
Another necessary component of civility is empathy. When children recognize that others also get scared or upset or angry, then they are more likely to look for reasons for difficult behavior rather than lash out. Encourage children to wonder why someone speaks and acts as they do. Model putting yourself in another’s shoes and invite children to do the same. Name these efforts as “hard” and also “rewarding” because they help us better understand and relate with others.
Perspective-taking is a third aspect of civility that kids need to learn. Like trying to empathize with another’s feelings, seeing things from another’s viewpoint helps children imagine their reasoning. One can try to imagine others’ thoughts, but it is generally better to invite direct feedback instead. Suggest that children ask questions to gather information from those who think differently. They might request clarification (e.g., Why did you say that some people shouldn’t be allowed to live in our town? Why do you think boys shouldn’t play with dolls?) or ask about previous experiences (e.g., What kind of neighborhood did you grow up in? What were your favorite toys as a kid?).
Civility also relies on children learning to problem-solve effectively. Psychologists recommend that parents and caregivers use ‘emotion coaching’ to foster good problem-solving skills. For example, demonstrate how to listen carefully when others are talking and reflect their thoughts and feelings back to them. Use language like “It sounds like…” or “I hear you saying that…” Ask questions that help kids think about next steps, such as “What do you want to happen next? How could you reach that goal?” And set limits on what are acceptable options, e.g., “It’s okay to feel upset, but it’s not okay to hit others when you are upset.”
Keep in mind that civility does not require relinquishing one’s values or avoiding conflict. People can strongly disagree and still show respect toward one another. Encourage children to express their beliefs and invite others to do the same. Suggest that they channel strong feelings into acts of advocacy and activism. Doing so will help them appreciate the value of civility without feeling silenced.
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