When she was three, my middle daughter loved to play dolls with her friends. They would reenact various everyday scenarios, using the dolls to voice their thoughts and feelings. Some of the dialogue reflected what they had heard others saying. Other segments were personal creations, based on their growing knowledge about themselves and the world around them.
Learning to understand ourselves is a lifelong process that begins in early childhood. Observation, pretend play, and conversations with others naturally prompt children to wonder how they feel and what they think. But parents and caregivers can further encourage self-reflection by teaching children to engage in positive self-questioning.
Psychologists suggest that kids start by asking themselves how they are feeling as they engage in various activities. They can then explore the data they are using to determine that feeling, such as noticing bodily sensations or recalling past events. They might wonder what prompted the feeling and what they can do to increase it (if a comfortable emotion) or change it (if uncomfortable).
All of these questions promote self-awareness, which is an essential aspect of recognizing and managing our emotions. But kids rarely fall into a positive routine of self-questioning on their own. To build good self-reflection habits, they need adults to model constructive self-talk by sharing feelings out loud. For example, when something disappointing or frustrating happens, we might say: I feel disappointed. I wanted to have a PB&J sandwich for lunch and we don’t have any jelly. I feel my shoulders slumping and my nose wrinkling. Maybe I could make a peanut butter and honey sandwich instead?
Parents and caregivers can also engage in parallel talk by describing what they think a child is thinking and feeling. This is similar to self-talk but focuses on what we notice about the child’s expressions and actions. The goal is to offer a possible reflection that kids can examine for themselves. For example: I see a smile on your face as you sing to your stuffed kitty. It looks like you are happy. I wonder if you are going to rock your kitty and then put him to bed for a nap.
Another strategy is to ask choice questions. While such questions may not directly promote self-awareness, they encourage children to think about what they want in the moment. They may even consider why they prefer one option over another or notice positive feelings associated with their decision. Thus, offering options rather than telling them what to do indirectly builds self-understanding.
We can also ask open-ended questions about children’s feelings and listen carefully to their answers. Simply asking “how are you feeling?” provides an opening for self-reflection. And as we listen, we can repeat back what we hear children saying and add more details, which validates and extends their self-understanding. For example, if they say they feel frustrated, we might say: You feel frustrated. Your hands are fisted and your body is shaking. I wonder what you can do to feel calmer?
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