“Would you rather wear your blue sweater or your red one?” Questions like this are a parenting staple and kids are used to choosing between options. Child development experts encourage this approach, as it signals that children have agency and builds a sense of autonomy. It can also sidestep tantrums and defiant behavior associated with single option demands.
But, surprisingly, offering similar questions isn’t a common teaching and learning approach, even though research says ‘this or that’ questions help kids develop critical and ethical thinking. They are different from multiple choice options on tests and quizzes, which often include tricks based on common errors. ‘This or that’ questions pose genuine options that children can consider, weighing the pros and cons of various choices.
Imagine you are reading or telling a story with kids. As you come to a turning point in the narrative, pause and ask children: Do you think [character] ought to do [this] or [that]? As they respond, encourage them to explain the reasons for their choices. Then continue with the story, noting the character’s choice and their reasons for making it. If the rationale isn’t explicit, invite children to suggest what the character’s reasons might be.
If you are talking about friendships, ask: Would you rather have a friend who has [this quality] or one with [that quality]? Suggest that they compare and contrast options to help them make thoughtful decisions. They might divide a sheet of paper into two columns to list pros and cons of each quality. Or invite children who lean toward the same choice to work together to show why they believe one option is better than another. Start with a strong contrast between the options (particularly with younger children) and then wonder about more subtle differences.
‘This or that’ questions can also promote self-awareness. Ask: When you feel anxious, would you rather take three deep breaths or walk a lap around the room? Encourage children to let their memories of past experiences with managing their emotions and practicing calm inform their choice. You might also suggest that they try out each option to see how it feels. Or ask: Would you prefer that others greet you with a hug or an elbow bump? Suggest that they consider personal space and boundaries in making their choice.
Use choice questions as community-building exercises as well. Pose a ‘this or that’ option and invite children to move to a spot in the room that represents their response. Then ask each child to write the reason for their choice on an index card. Collect and read the cards aloud, noting similar and different reasons among those who made the same choice. Repeat the process with additional choices. After a few rounds, ask: Why do you think people make the same choices for different reasons? What do you think that means for us as a community?
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