My uncle took me fishing on his boat for my tenth birthday. Partway through the trip, his line snagged something and pulled his brand-new rod and reel underwater. He immediately grabbed the boat’s anchor and heaved it overboard. Our boat began to drift gently within a small radius, making it possible for my uncle to jump in and hunt for his fishing pool. I learned two things that day: a word I knew better than to repeat to my mother and that anchors can be handy when one needs to stay in place.
Emotional anchors perform a similar function. They help children (and adults) steady and settle themselves in a particular space. They prevent kids from being carried away by feelings that threaten to overwhelm them. They provide a calming effect that quiets their nervous system and promotes feelings of safety, belonging, and/or stability. They can even encourage children to shift anxiety into curiosity about whatever activated their discomfort.
Education professor Lori Desautels talks about the need for children to identify their personal anchors. She suggests asking kids: What are the things that help steady or calm you? These things can be objects, particular songs or kinds of music, certain textures, images, experiences, or even practices specifically designed for self-calming. Desautels says her own anchors range from looking at a picture of her dog, to sucking on her favorite candy, taking three deep breaths, or doing yoga.
Another way to help children identify their anchors is to share how you have noticed kids handling stress and anxiety well. Perhaps they choose to listen to music when frustrated by a sibling’s teasing or overwhelmed by homework. Or they might hug a favorite stuffed animal when they feel disoriented by an unexpected change in their schedule. Some might like to spritz lavender on their pillow at night to help them relax and fall asleep. Point out your observations and ask if they might want to try using these same ‘anchors’ in other situations.
Desautels also says that kids also need opportunities to practice using their anchors when they are not in distress. Set aside time each week to try out possible anchors together and experience how they feel. Experiment with taking 3-4 deep breaths and letting them out slowly, then talk about how breathing slowly and deeply affects your bodies. Gather fabrics or other items with different textures and stroke them with your fingers, noticing which ones feel comforting or calming and which are benign or irritating. Play different kinds of music and notice how they affect you.
Once you have identified some practices that are useful for all family members, spend a few minutes each day practicing your common anchors together. If everyone appreciates the sound of windchimes, hang a set where you hear them and pause for one minute before going out the door to focus on their chiming. Breath practices can happen almost anywhere and take as little as 15 seconds. Or pause before bed to tense and release your muscles from head to toe so that your body relaxes more fully.
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